Back from D.C.

Amy and I recently returned from a trip to Washington, D.C., my hometown. We went back for a high school function. I was fortunate enough to be inducted into DeMatha’s Athletic Hall of Fame. It was a great night and a very proud moment for me. With all of the amazing scholars, musicians, and athletes that have come out of DeMatha, I was very flattered to be considered for the Hall of Fame. My family and I had a great time catching up with old teammates, coaches, and teachers. It was great to get back.

At the ceremony everyone was asking how I’ve been. I’ve also gotten a few emails inquiring about my health lately so I thought I’d give a quick update. I’m feeling great! My last bunch of scans have been clean, I’m eating a ton, and have gained a lot of my weight back. I’ve also become much more active. Besides road biking, I have recently fallen in love with mountain biking. I’m happy to say I’ve taken on some pretty advanced terrain in the Nashville, TN area. It’s a great workout and it puts a pounding on my body, which I like! I also start a cycling training class this week and am getting back into golf. I had “Brett Favre’d” from golf after playing once over the summer because I was so awful. In keeping with my “Brett Favre” from golf, I have decided to play again. My biking has really helped to strengthen my body so I feel confident I’ll be able to get back to respectability after some practice. I even tried disc golf the other day and am trying to get in an inline hockey league.

So, needless to say…I’ve come a long way and I’m feeling great! Thanks for the emails and continued support!

If you can bear the site of an ugly mug for a few minutes, DeMatha posted my acceptance speech on youtube for anyone that’s interested:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGehwjkZ5LQ

It Just Won’t Die…

No matter how hard I try…I just can’t get rid of it. It’s been with me all my life. I’ve had it as long as I can remember. It lead me to cheat at Candyland at the age of 3…against my own Grandmother. I would take certain game cards and slightly tear or fray the corners so I would know where they were when the cards were shuffled. To this day, I think I am undefeated at Candyland…and many other board games…at least until I reached the age of 5 or so. Then my competitive edge took me into other ventures (and I stopped cheating!).

As a young child, I grew up in University Park, Maryland. It’s in the backyard of the University of Maryland and DeMatha Catholic High School. It’s ironic that I had lived so close to DeMatha as a young child and then ended up moving way out to Montgomery County, only to return for hour long commutes to attend DeMatha for high school.

Anyways, in the neighborhood I grew up in, I was fortunate to live down the street from a great guy named, Rusty. Rusty and his friends were into hockey and lacrosse. Rusty didn’t attend DeMatha but many of his friends did and they all played hockey and lacrosse there. So at the age of 5, I tagged along with him and his buddies when they played hockey or lacrosse on our street. I mostly watched and played on the sidewalk by my self while they blocked off traffic with their nets and played against each other. Every once in a while, when they were missing somebody, they’d let me play. I loved those days. Of course, they would take it easy on me, but I never really liked that. I didn’t like that they saw me as a little 5 year old. I wasn’t as big or as good as them but I didn’t feel they should take it easy on me.

Rusty was the best. He gave me my first hockey stick and my first lacrosse stick. Soon after, I joined my first ice hockey team. I was literally a boy amongst men. I was 5 years old and the other guys were in junior high and high school. I didn’t play much but I learned a lot. Honestly, I was so young that I don’t remember a whole lot but I remember one moment very vividly. I was on the ice during a scrimmage (one of the few times I played in a game type situation) and I was playing defense. I had the puck up against the boards and this huge guy came streaking at me. As I braced myself to be checked against the boards, he stopped and just shouldered me. But, he didn’t get the puck. Because he backed off of me, I was able to pass it our of our zone. I remember being mad. Why didn’t he check me!? I was pissed, so as he skated away, I hit him in the leg with my stick and talked some trash. He obviously didn’t take me seriously because he kind of laughed and skated off. Man, was I ticked. (Little side-note…I wasn’t a typical 5 yr. old. In fact, if you ask my wife I still am that same 5 year old…haha).

That attitude has not left me. It’s my competitiveness. Hockey and lacrosse turned into soccer, then tennis, then baseball, and eventually basketball. I know my competitiveness helped me to have some success in my sporting endeavors (and life in general). I also know it hurt me. To me, success was expected. If I did well…that was how it was supposed to be. But, if I didn’t do well…man, my competitive drive ate me alive. I would sit and brood over mistakes and replay bad plays or mistakes over in my head again and again. I was never satisfied. If I had attained a goal, I was already halfway to the next one. I never took a step back to appreciate a success or a goal achieved. But, I could never let a failure or mistake go. Those were much harder to move on from. In fact the brooding over mistakes and/or failures would often impede my future performance. And no matter what, I could never enjoy myself, no matter how much success I had. Even to this day, I look back and think of times where I could have done something different to improve or do better in some event. I rarely reflect on past successes. It sucks. Many times I wish I could just appreciate any success I had and forget about my failures or mistakes.

Now, I am at a stage in my life where moments of competition are disappearing yet I still have that same drive and fire. So, I mostly see my competitiveness as a curse, maybe even a bit torturous, especially at this age where the time for competitions has passed me by.

But at the same time…when I really reflect on it, I guess I am lucky to still have my competitive drive. I’m not sure I would be alive today if I wasn’t so damn competitive. I think, unbeknownst to me at the time, my competitive drive is what helped me so much in my battle with cancer. It was a competition…me against the cancer and I know subconsciously, my mind was thinking, “I’ll be damned if I am going to lose”. To be honest, I never really thought of it that way…at least consciously. But, I know in my subconsciousness, it played a major role. Every time I got chemo, every time I got radiation, every time I was gagging to breath, my competitive drive was there with me. It wasn’t going to let me lose. It was going to take all the hell and keep me going.

That’s why this part of my life is so difficult. I still have my same intensity and competitiveness but nothing to compete against. Lately, it’s been a real struggle for me. I can’t run yet or jump, meaning I really can’t partake in many competitive activities. Not having any competition in my life has been a first. I literally can’t remember the last time I didn’t have some sort of competitive aspect in my life. It’s so ingrained in me at this point that I don’t think I can ever get rid of the feeling of being competitive. I don’t need to go back and try to relive my “glory days” but at the same time I need something to push my limits and make me rise to the occasion. I need something that gives me that burning sensation inside.

So, at this point in my life, I would very well be happy if my competitiveness decided to drift away…maybe take a long vacation. Just let me be and let me live a “normal” life.  But, I know that this is close to impossible. My competitive spirit won’t die…no matter how hard I try to ignore it or suppress it. So, instead of fighting it and trying to ignore it, I’ve decided to try to find other outlets to feed it.

I have recently taken up cycling. Like I said, I can’t run or jump so that eliminates a lot of sports. But, I have recently learned that I am able to ride a bike. The last time I rode a bike was probably in elementary school. To me, it was always a hobby or form of “exercise” for the “real sports”. I never really saw it as a competitive sport.

But now I have a bug. I think I may have found an outlet where I can use my competitiveness and intensity…or at least tire them out. I’m 31 years old, coming off of stage IV cancer, and still fighting a lot of side affects. Yet, my competitive drive is pushing me towards this sport. In my mind, I foolishly think that maybe I can be decent. I don’t even know what decent is in the realm of cycling. But, my competitive drive tells me that I can be decent. Who knows…I won a big battle against stage IV cancer. I’m not really supposed to be alive. Maybe I can be decent at cycling.

I just may have found an outlet for my competitive drive.  At the very least, I have given up believing that my competitive drive will one day die…the best I can hope for is that I can at least make it tired.

Long Overdue Update

Sorry, it’s been a while since I’ve written. I guess I don’t know quite what to say. I had been a bit down and frustrated. I recently was let go by the Clippers due to budget concerns on their end. It’s too bad…I enjoyed my job and it was a great distraction from my battle with cancer. Actually, to me, it was more than a job. It was doing something I loved. Not many people get to experience that so I know I should be thankful. I also know that I will find something else and this is not the end for me. I’ve been down before but I do my best to get back up and dust my self off. I appreciate that the Clippers gave me an opportunity just as I’m sure they appreciate all of my hard work for them. Sometimes, things are just out of your control and the recession and their budget concerns just happened to be bad timing for me. But, like I said, I will continue on and hopefully find an opportunity that I will enjoy even more.

Anyways, I thought about it and it would be selfish to stop my blog. The focus will change a bit but I had to remind my self that this blog really wasn’t about basketball. I mean it was and it wasn’t. I’m sure some people enjoyed reading about my scouting and front office exploits but probably most read because of the cancer part of it. So…I don’t want to abandon those readers and frankly, I enjoy writing.

With that being said, I should give an update on my battle with cancer and move on to some positive news. I am doing pretty well health-wise. My last scans about a month ago checked out well. I am scheduled for my regular 3 month scan at the end of September. I also have a couple of surgeries scheduled. One will be to remove the port in my chest which was used to acess me and give me my meds, chemo, draw blood, transfusions, etc. The other is to remove a bump from my head. The doctors don’t think it is anything serious but we just want to get it removed to make sure it isn’t.  I am not a fan of surgery, even the relatively minor procedures, but after all I have been through, I can’t say much scares me these days.

On another positive note, I just learned that I was selected onto DeMatha’s Hall of Fame. With all of the great people and athletes that have come out of DeMatha, I was quite flattered when I received the call. Throughout my battle with cancer, DeMatha, it’s alumni, and community have been, by far, one of my biggest supporters. That makes the Hall of Fame induction even more special to me because I am so proud to be part of such a great family.

I guess that’s it for now. I’m going to continue my search for a job and hopefully something good turns up. We’ll see what happens. If anyone knows of someone who needs a hard worker with a business degree, law degree, good work (and life) experience, I’m all ears…haha.

Matt

This is getting tough for me…

I had a CT scan today to see if we can get a clearer picture of what’s going on with my jaw. About a month ago, a needle biopsy on a lump  came back positive for cancer. Then a couple weeks later, I had a PET scan that showed the lump had gone done dramatically. I haven’t heard back about my results today but I have to be honest…all of this is taking it’s toll on me. And I don’t mean my health specifically, but the health of all the little kids I have met, spoken with, etc. with the same type of pediatric cancer.

For those who have never experienced cancer close-up, it’s quite a gut-wrenching experience, whether you are the one experiencing it, or you are the caregiver. It’s natural for those that are experiencing a similar fight to bond with people in a similar plight. We’ve met some amazing families and their kids, suffering from rhabdo. Most relationships are built online, through support groups, and constant emails…mostly of the supportive kind, but some are of the “what do we do next?” kind.

During the course of my treatment, Amy has been the one on the support group lists and has been the one tracking our other little fighters and keeping in touch with their families. She has made friends with many families facing similar difficulties. I have gotten great words of encouragement and support from so many of these family members. Their support and prayers have helped me tremendously…I know that they have positively affected me…both mentally and physically. All of these parents are great…constantly by their child’s side, doing whatever necessary to keep them in good spirits and fighting. I know this because of the kind notes they send me. I know they are good people.

Recently, I have gone back and read up on some of our supporters and how their kid’s are doing. I can see why Amy kind of shielded me from this information. This morning, when Amy announced on our carepage site that another one of our little friends recently passed away due to the rhabdo, I couldn’t take it. I read it right when I woke up. I needed to get ready for my own scan today to see where my health is at but, all I  could think of was little Dillan Cade and his mother, Beverly. Beverly has been amazingly kind to us, constantly sending us words of hope and encouragement. Now her little one is gone. We never had the chance to meet them face-to-face, but we knew each other very well. We were each fighting the same battle and taking life one day at a time.

Nothing makes me more sad than hearing that we’ve lost another little fighter. It rips me up inside. All I can think about is the sadness that the families feel. I feel a sense of guilt. Why have I been able to survive when all of these “little ones’” are earning their wings way too early.

This is a sad day for me. I don’t know what my results will come back as, but this is a sad day for me.

Role Models and Inspirational People

Throughout my treatment, I have been getting a ton of support from not only family members and friends, but people I haven’t even had the pleasure of meeting yet. Many even comment that I am an inspiration to them. This is very humbling for me. How can so many people really care about me and show me the support that they have? It is almost surreal to me. I thank God every day for the support I get from everyone. I know that all the prayers and well wishes have helped me in my battle! For that, I am very, very thankful!

Some have asked who I look to as an inspiration. Of course, my wife, Amy, is by far the biggest inspiration in my life right now. She has been there every step of the way for me. She’s been at every single doctor’s appointment, slept next to me every night that I was in the hospital, taken care of all our bills so I don’t have to stress over it, made all of my doctor’s appointments, etc. She doesn’t have cancer but I think she has the tougher role. When I get down about something, she is always there to talk me through it and lift my spirits. She has been through it all with me! She has given me the strength I need to fight this battle! Thanks, Amy…I love you!!!

Another question that comes up is how I became such a fan of basketball. This sort of leads me to write about another inspirational person in my life. When I was younger, I played just about every sport…baseball, football, hockey, lacrosse, tennis, and of course, basketball. I loved all of these sports but I ended up being the most interested in basketball. I think back as to why this is and one person’s name keeps coming to mind. His name is Allen Leache. Coach Leache started a league called I-270 Youth Basketball. Actually, I’m not 100% sure he started it, but he is the one responsible for making it a great league. I played 7 years in the league (age 7-14), my first 5 with a team called Darnestown. My last two years I switched teams and played for Montgomery Village which was coached by Allen Leache.

Talk about inspiration! Coach Leache was and still is a great inspiration to me. He put so much time and effort into that league and our team. He made us all feel like we were stars. He kept intricate stats about the players and always posted the top scorers for each division on a bulletin board outside the gym. He also coordinated a radio show where he invited different players to come in and be interviewed. How many 10 year olds get to be interviewed on the radio about their basketball skills?!?! In addition, he made sure the league got publicity in the local papers. He also kept track of all of his stats for every single player and gave us each a thick binder with the stats as well as summaries for each game,  player of the game, etc. It was awesome. In recent years there has been all this talk about Moneyball, stats, etc. but he was  compiling intricate statistical analysis well before it became mainstream. Even today, I look at his statistical analysis from my past years and am amazed at how intelligent he was (and is).

I-270 and Coach Leache gave me a lot of confidence in myself. He showed us how a good program was run. As a kid, I didn’t know any better and thought this was the norm because this is the only league I played in. Looking back, I have come to realize how lucky I was to play in that league and play 2 years with Coach Leache. As a kid, having someone believe in you and praise you is a big deal. It’s helped me become who I am today. With so much wrong with youth basketball today, I wish there were more Allen Leache’s to coach and start youth leagues.

Playing with his team for my last 2 years was extra special. Besides our regular league games, he would schedule us to play the area’s (and nation’s) top teams. We played DeMatha, Gonzaga, Good Counsel, Harker Prep, St. John’s Prospect Hall, and many other great teams. We played against the nation’s top talent…and this was a Youth League…we were all about 13 or 14 years old!

I’ve always thought about Coach Leache and what he did for me by making I-270 basketball such a great league and experience for me. It’s because of him I was able to play at DeMatha. It was because of him I was able to play at Wisconsin. It was because of him that I found something I loved…basketball. But most importantly, he instilled in me the confidence to do anything…and that is why I know I will win this battle with cancer!

Like I said, when I was younger, I took him and the league for granted. As I grew older, my experiences taught me how special that league was and how special Coach Leache was. So, after many years, I tracked down Coach Leache because I wanted to thank him. Thankfully, I was able to track him down a few years ago and we have kept in touch since. He is a fighter as well. He had suffered 4 heart attacks and was clinically ruled dead four different times! But, he came out a winner and is doing well today! I think God knew how special he was and how much he was needed down here. I am very thankful he is still around and we get to keep in touch.  It makes me sad to think that he could have passed away and not known how much of a positive impact he made on my life. I am very thankful that he is still alive and I had matured enough to track him down and properly thank him. I know I would have had a lot of regrets had I heard he passed away without him knowing how important he was to not only me, but to many, many kids who played in that league.

So, Coach Leache, I thank you with all of my heart. I am who I am (at least the good parts) because of a lot of what you have done for me and taught me. Without you and your league, I would not be where I am today. Honestly, without I-270, I probably would have quit basketball after my freshman year at the public school I was attending at the time. But you instilled in me the confidence I needed. It was because of you I felt confident enough to transfer to DeMatha and have 3 great years there.

Thanks Coach Leache…you were, and always will be, a huge inspiration to me!!!

Matt

The Weekend Getaway and More Embarrassment

I hope everyone had a Happy Easter and Passover. Things have been so hectic for Amy and I that we decided to get away for the Easter weekend at the last second. Even with my latest diagnosis, we kind of threw caution to the wind and visited her parents in Naples, Florida. The goals were twofold: 1) to get the hell out of the eternal winter here in Chicago, and 2) try my hand at golf again.

Amy’s parents were great hosts! They refused to let us pay for anything…no golf, no dinner, no nothing. They were very generous to host us the way they did. Thanks, Pete and Edith!

Well, we accomplished what we set out to do. We got some much needed sunshine, got to sit on the beach for a while, and I played some golf with Amy’s father. Well…I attempted to play golf with Amy’s father. Like my attempt to shoot baskets for the first time since I was originally diagnosed in December of ‘07, my golf game was pretty pathetic. Before I got sick, I was playing somewhat regularly out in LA when I had the time. I had improved a lot while living in LA due to the ability to play for most of the year and living very near two great public courses in Griffith Park. At that time, I was shooting between 86-91 regularly. I picked up golf kind of late, so for me these are good scores.

My goal in Naples, was to break 100. I really thought it was a realistic expectation, but apparently my body didn’t. Even though we had a golf cart, it was tough getting around the course. In my previous years of playing golf,  I had never noticed how many undulations, ditches, and awkward lies were involved in golf. Not to mention hidden water sprinkler holes! My left ankle would particularly like to thank the sunken sprinkler hidden in the middle of the 13th fairway. Thank god for ice!

Over the past month, I have ditched my rollator and have been walking on my own. I am still affected by the neuropathy in my feet and my balance and flexibility is still off. My balance and my ability to walk were truly tested out there on the course. Needless to say, I was not happy with my performance. It literally felt like I was starting all over again. It was very frustrating. Unfortunately, I didn’t meet my goal of breaking 100. On my final day I was close…shooting exactly 100. I guess I could have fudged on a stroke to get the 99, but that’s just not me.

Anyways, even though I was deeply frustrated with my game (or lack-of), I still had a fun time. Amy and I needed a little sun and needed to get away from our current world for a while and this weekend allowed us to do that.

Now, it’s back to the real world. Amy is very busy with work and I have a big day tomorrow…I have a PET scan scheduled. First, they inject me with a radioactive nuclear dye and then I have to wait for an hour so it can pass through my body. It helps the radiologists and doctors to get a brighter picture from the PET scan. I’m never a big fan of the PET scan because the thought of being injected with radiactive nuclear material just seems to contradict what good health is all about. Also, the scan is in one of those narrow tubes where my whole body goes in. I tend to get clusterphobic and anxious in those things. My attempt to deal with it and not freak out is to close my eyes while I’m in the tube and meditate. Well, I call it meditation, but it probably isn’t technically. What I do is breath in slowly while I say the word “calmness” in my head. Then I slowly exhale and say the word “strength” in my head. I repeat this during the whole hour long scan. It kind of helps to take away the focus of the test and tube and helps me to relax. The first 15-20 minutes are usually the toughest because that is when my anxiety is at it’s highest. Ater that first 20 minutes, the “meditation” and breathing helps me to calm down.

They always give you a buzzer to push if you get freaked out and need to come out. I am proud to say that I have never pushed that button, even at times when I was freaking out in there. It probably seems like a small thing to be proud of, but I do take pride in the fact that I am able to calm myself down and get through the test without ringing the buzzer to come out. I guess I think of it as a personal challenge. But, there have been plenty of times where I wanted to ring the hell out of that buzzer!

Well…there is a lot more I’d like to get off my chest but I’ll save it for another time. For now, I have to think positive and prepare myself mentally for tomorrow. No matter what the doctors and pathologists say, I have to tell myself AND believe I don’t have cancer. It’s a tough task to ignore what the experts say but I also know that the mind is a powerful tool and I’m going to try my best to put it to good use for me.

A Day in the Life of Kenny Powers…

Well…without the booze, drugs, steroids, cursing, and arrogant swagger. Actually, I’ll admit it…there was some cursing by me. I guess I also had a bit of a swagger… although technically, my doctors call it a “limp”.

Today, I shot baskets for the first time since I was diagnosed with cancer. Surprisingly, I was able to dribble fine. I thought for sure I would have been bouncing the ball off of my feet.  But man…the hoop felt like it was 12 feet high! Unfortunately, the old shot wasn’t there. I am still experiencing neuropathy in my legs and feet so they feel numb…especially my feet.

I can’t run or jump at all, no matter what my mind tells my legs to do. In fact, I tested it out on my first airball. As the ball rolled into the grass, my natural instincts kicked in and I tried to run after it. Bad mistake!!! I took about 3 steps and BOOM, I face-planted into the grass. Although it hurt, I actually thought it was hilarious and I couldn’t help but burst out loud in laughter! I twisted my ankle, tore up my knee and arm, but it was well worth the laugh! I was at an elementary school at the end of the day and parents were picking up their kids. I was laughing hysterically and some of the kids were looking at me like I was crazy!

After I retrieved all of my belongings that had fallen out of my pockets and dusted my self off, I got back on the court. I told myself not to throw up any more airballs because I didn’t want to fall flat on my face again. I can’t help it…my natural instinct is to run after the ball. It’s like it’s ingrained into my head from my past playing days. Logic would say “don’t try and run after the ball you idiot”, but instead, I was telling myself not to shoot any more airballs because I knew I wouldn’t be able to help my self from attempting to run after the misses.

Well, my range used to extend well beyond the three point line. Today, my range was inside the paint! It just goes to show how important one’s legs are in shooting. I could have made a demo tape today about the importance of one’s legs when shooting. My shots were all arms, no legs, hence my limited range. After a while, I was able to bend my knees a little bit and that helped some, but I still couldn’t get any lift.

I have to admit…even though I got dinged up a bit, it was a lot of fun to shoot around again! It also gave me a good laugh! By the end of summer, I plan on extending that range back to the three point line. It’s going to take a lot more rehab to get there but it wouldn’t be any fun if there wasn’t a challenge!

So Kenny Powers, I feel for you. Well, not really. But, it sure would have been nice to have Stevie as my assistant today to rebound. Then, I might not have done a face-plant into the ground. But then again, I wouldn’t have gotten the enjoyment from embarassing my self!

(Sorry to those that aren’t familiar with the infamous character, Kenny Powers, from the HBO show: “Eastbound and Down”.)

Kenny Powers: Training Video (click to view)

Anyways, besides laughing at my self, I’ve been watching a lot of bball. Both the NIT and the NCAA’s have been entertaining. I’m looking forward to the Sweet Sixteen. I also have a bunch of scans on Friday (CT, MRI, BONE, etc.)…we’re hoping and praying for great results! I’m sure my doctors won’t be too happy to see the damage I did to my body…haha!

Documentary Trailer by Heron Street Productions

Hi all,

Feeling pretty excited…big game tonight at Marquette. UConn is in town. Both teams have some good players. Both teams are strong. It should make for a fun game to watch and scout!

On another note, Heron Street Productions is working on a Documentary called “Scouting with Cancer”.  Guess what it’s about! Anyways, my brother, Madden, is a part of this company. He is very talented and has a lot of great ideas. I’m very proud of what he’s done and accomplished to date and I know he has a great future ahead of him! Even though he is 6-2 and a lot bigger than me at this point, he is still my little “big” brother.

Click on the link (video has sound):    “Scouting with Cancer” Trailer

A new window should pop up with video (video has sound).

P.S.  No laughing at my old high school footage. That was when I was a Sophomore.  Sadly, I’m probably even more skinny now!

The Day I Will Never Forget

Again, I apologize for the delay in posting. I’ve been sick and feeling kind of lousy because of some sort of flu-type thing. I guess these things are bound to happen to me since my immune system is weak right now. I’m starting to feel better though.

On to the topic:  Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about how I found out that I had cancer. I’ll be honest…I remember the day all too well and as many times as I’ve told the story, it doesn’t get any easier for me.  So, I figured I’d write about it. I don’t know…maybe it will make me feel better by putting on paper. Or better yet, maybe it will make me forget that day.

Officially,  I was diagnosed on December 7, 2007. It’s an understatement to say Amy and I were completely shocked. But, it was before that date that I started to feel the symptoms. At that time, I just felt it was a heavy cold that I couldn’t shake.

On a Friday in September of 2007, back in Los Angeles, I had an urgent dentist appointment with our team dentist.  I felt bad because Amy and I were just about to leave for San Jose for a triathlon she was competing in (yeah, I’m not the only athlete in the family). I was at work and feeling terrible pain on the left side of my mouth. It hurt so badly that I had had to make this urgent appointment with the dentist before we left. I had them check it out and and they said that nothing looked too odd, I had just a small cavity in the back of my mouth, on the left side.  But, they said that shouldn’t be causing me the intense pain I was feeling. They suspected maybe it was due to an impacted wisdom tooth. They said come back in on Monday when you guys get back from your trip.

So on Monday, I left work at about lunchtime to get the cavity filled.  After getting the cavity filled, they again said it was probably just a wisdom tooth causing me the pain.  But, on my way back to the office, I felt an even more extreme pain on the left side of my face.  So much so that I had to stop the car in the middle of traffic, open my car door, and throw up.  Once I got back to the office I felt even worse.  I was dizzy and the left side of my face was starting to turn black and blue.  Since I couldn’t bare the pain, I left the office early and headed for home.  As I got closer to home, my pain got worse and the left side of my face was completely swollen and black and blue.  The pain was unbearable. I called the dentist’s office and they prescribed me some pain killers. The pain killers helped for a while but I still felt a lot of pain.

A couple of weeks later, Amy and I moved to Chicago for scouting purposes. Within the first week there, I felt very lethargic and my mouth was still in great pain.  Now, my nose was giving me problems as well.  I couldn’t breath at all through my nose.  Again, this whole time I’m thinking I had a cold and needed to get my wisdom tooth pulled. Then one night while scouting a game about a week later, my eye started watering profusely. It got so bad that I couldn’t see well enough to follow the game. Again, it’s just a cold I thought. Then I went home for Thanksgiving and my parents noticed that my left eye was bulging out and it was bruised. I didn’t think much of it and went out to scout a tournament at the Verizon Center.  Again, my eye started watering like crazy and I had a hard time seeing.

When I got back to Chicago, Amy said she had enough already. With the help of her brother, Brian, who is a doctor, I was able to get a quick appointment with an Ear, Nose, Throat doctor downtown. They were squeezing me in at 7pm.  As the doctor stuck a scope up my left nostril he said, “uh oh, I don’t like this, I haven’t really seen this before.” Well, those weren’t exactly the words I was hoping to hear. He ordered A CT scan for me immediately. Unfortunately, because it was late, I couldn’t get the CT scan that night so I came back the next day with Amy.

Again, we weren’t that worried…we just thought maybe there was some sort of puss buildup behind my eye.  In fact, when the receptionist told us that we had to pay a $500 deductible for the scan I told Amy no way…I’m fine…I don’t want to spend $500 on this.  Luckily she was with me because she said I was crazy and we were getting the CT scan done.  She left me with no choice.  Had it been up to me, I would have just walked out, saving the $500.

Ironically, Amy also had a doctor’s appointment scheduled downtown, but a couple of miles away.  So she left me to go to her appointment. I took my CT scan and the radiology technician said he’d bring me out the DVD in a couple of minutes so I could bring it to my ENT doctor on Monday for a diagnosis. Well, many minutes passed before he finally came out and told me that the doctor and head radiologist wanted me to take some more scans, this time injected with a dye. Looking back at that moment, I guess I should have saw the warning signs. But, I didn’t. I was injected with the dye and took some more scans. After all that, the technician gave me the two CD’s that I was to show my doctor on Monday. Little did I know that the head radiologist had already contacted my doctor and told him the news.

So not really thinking much of it, I left the hospital and walked a couple of miles to where Amy was. Her appointment was actually with a colleague of her brother’s at his office complex. I remember it being freezing and I was pissed that I had to walk so far. I guess I could’ve gotten a cab but that’s not my style. If I have able feet, I walk or run.

So I arrive at Brian’s office and he is finishing up some work and chit chatting with Amy. Out of curiosity, Amy popped the DVD’s into his computer. As soon as the scans came up, we both kind of gasped at what we were looking at. My left eye was pushed out of it’s orbital and was a good inch in front of my right eye. And behind the left eye we saw a large dark spot that wasn’t showing up on the right side. Worried, Amy asked her brother about it. Since he’s a family practitioner, he called down to his radiology department and asked them for a wet read (meaning a quick diagnosis).

He was on the phone with a resident and Amy and I were intently staring at him to try and read his facial expressions. Well, we didn’t really need to do that because after about a minute Brian says,” uh, he is my brother-in-law so I would appreciate a little more kindness and respect.”  Then he asked to speak with the head radiologist.  Before he got on the phone again, he pushed us out the door and told us to wait in the waiting room. At this point, our hearts dropped.

Deep down we knew this couldn’t be good. I had never seen her brother so serious.  So Amy and I impatiently roamed the halls for about 45 minutes just hugging each other and praying. Finally, her brother opened the door and walked right past us without saying a word. We waited for him in his office to return. He returned about 15 minutes later with cups of water for each of us.  Desperate to know what was going on, Amy yelled at her brother to tell us what was going on. He paused for a few minutes and said very calmly: “Amy, Matt, this is the part of being a doctor that I hate the most.  Matt, you have a tumor pushing up against the orbital of your eye and brain.”  Amy asked if it was malignant and he said they didn’t know for sure yet but they thought it was based on its rapid growth. Amy and I were devastated. I was in complete shock. This couldn’t be…I only had a bad cold. There was no way that I had a malignant tumor. All I could do was chew on the side of my plastic cup and stare at the floor.

Amy and I were in complete disbelief.  Surely there was a mistake.  Nope, Brian talked to his head radiologist and the head radioligist at my hospital. In fact, the radiologist was in a meeting with my ENT doctors contemplating the next steps at that very moment. Apparently, the damn thing was spreading quickly and immediate action had to be taken. But, nothing could be done until Monday morning. So after some tears and hugs we went about our original plan which was to go out to dinner. Brian and Amy said we didn’t have to but I insisted we not change our plans. There was nothing we could do until Monday anyways. So before we left, we spoke briefly with my parents. They flew in the next day.

At the restaurant, I think I was still in shock…I think we were all in shock. As we walked out after eating, I just looked at everyone having such a good time and celebrating. All I could think about was how lucky these people were. None of them had just been told they had a malignant tumor.

So, we at least had the weekend to better prepare ourselves mentally for what we knew was going to be the battle of our lives. Then Monday rolled around and at the crack of dawn we were in the car, on the way to the hospital. Our battle had begun.

I don’t think I’ll ever remember a day as vividly as the day that we received the terrible news. I’d give anything to forget that day.

But, I can find solace in the fact that we have come a long way since that day and that we are winning the battle!

It’s been a while…

Sorry for the delay in posting. My wife, with the help of family members and friends, threw me a nice birthday party a couple of weekends ago! It was great to see some of my friends and family members. I actually got to see a bunch of my relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins) which was cool because I hadn’t seen them in a while. Each one of them was kind enough to fly out to visit me and brave the cold weather. It was a lot of fun! It’s kind of funny…birthdays were never that big of a deal in my family. They sort of just came and went…another year passing. Now, birthdays are no longer taken for granted and we thank God for each birthday we get to celebrate.

But, the birthday wasn’t all fun and games! Unfortunately, someone got me sick. I’ve been fighting a flu-type bug for the past couple weeks and have been a little weaker than normal. So…whoever got me sick, is banned from next year’s b-day party – unless you give me a really cool gift (just kidding)!!!

Actually this year, in lieu of presents, we asked people to bring donations for the University of Chicago Children’s Hospital (Comer). We’d like to get a new cancer program started there. It would focus on the specific needs of Adolescents & Young Adults (AYA). There are very few programs like this in the US. One thing we’ve learned throughout this process is that my age group seems to fall in no-mans land. I’m not a little kid and I’m not geriatric so we’d like to see more research and support in this area.

On another note, I had a visit to the hospital yesterday for an exam and CAT scan. I wasn’t feeling much relief from the “bug” I caught and my left nostril was swollen shut (near the area where the tumor started). Amy and I had a bit of a worrisome weekend in anticipation of Monday’s hospital visit. Luckily, the CAT scan came back clean. It seems like I just caught a vicious bug and since my immune system is so weak it did more harm to me than it would have to an average person. So…we were very relieved. I’m still a bit under the weather but continuing the fight as always!

Also, I wanted to apologize to those who have written me and have not heard back yet. Your kind notes and support have not gone unnoticed by any means…the kind messages keep me going! I plan on responding to everyone, it just may be a bit delayed. Between the hospital trips, seeing games, and trying to live a “normal” life again, I’ve had to do my best to manage my time. But don’t worry, I’ll get back to you at some point!

Matt